The gray sky glowered in the early morning light, mimicking my somber mood. Eviana slept soundly next to me as I tossed and turned in angst. With my stomach in turmoil, thoughts pounded my brain like the selkies that had attacked me several months ago.
What was I doing? I loved her. I had always loved her. But the longer I stayed in this room and thought about last night, the more I wanted to scream. Nothing felt right.
I’d hoped this wasn’t happening and I’d tried to ignore my instincts all evening. I promised her I would never leave her side. I’d done it once, and I refused to do it again.
Leave now!
My inner voice shouted at me and I squeezed my head in desperation. Go away! Shut up! I wished I could turn it off, but it grew louder every day. Eviana stirred and I looked at her peaceful face. She didn’t deserve this. She’d been through enough and there would be more to come.
She’s not for you.
But I want her! I shouted back in my head. For my whole life, it had just been her and me. Despite her parent’s disapproval, we made it work. She left everything for me. Why wasn’t that enough?
It started in Seattle. At first I thought it was just a reaction to being lonely and slightly fearful of Eviana’s new powers. An attractive human caught my eye, and for the first time ever, I wanted to be closer to her. Almost instantly, it disgusted me. How could I do this to the only person I loved?
I didn’t tell anyone, especially Julian. I didn’t want to know what he’d think of me. After nursing me back from certain death and allowing me to crash with him, I’d already felt like I’d burdened him too much.
Several weeks later I met with Eviana. Seeing her, standing in the coffee shop and looking like the powerful leader I knew she’d be, my heart filled again. I felt complete and I’d tried to ignore the forces pulling me away from her.
When I decided to come back to California, I vowed to make it work. Julian questioned my intent several times, but I never told him about the voices screaming in my head. Instead I focused on my memories with Eviana and replayed them over and over each day.
Leave!
Stop! I clamped my eyes together and covered my ears. Stop, stop, stop! Lifting Eviana’s arm from my chest, I slowly slid out of her bed. Please, I begged silently. I don’t want to feel the call. Anything but that.
Brendan?
Another voice entered my mind. Not my own, but I recognized it. Julian knew I needed him.
Come to me.
I still didn’t fully understand his ability to communicate with his selkies, but his voice brought a comfort to me that Eviana couldn’t. Pulling on my clothes and trying not to look at her lying in the bed, I thought about last night. The shower, her smile, our closeness I’d never shared with anyone else. Over and over, I recalled those memories as the voice beckoning me to mate with another screamed louder in my mind.
I didn’t remember the walk, but in no time at all I found myself knocking on Julian’s door. Leave! Mate! She’s not for you! I crumpled in a heap on his porch, clenching the sides of my head and wishing he could make it all go away.
“Brendan?” Julian’s calm voice did little to hide the knowing tone.
“I don’t want this!” I cried out. Barely light enough outside to see the distant rocks, I searched the water for our sanctuary. Remember, remember, remember! I needed those memories to drown out the voice.
“You don’t have a choice in the matter.” Julian rested a hand on my shoulder and I jumped up.
“No!” I screamed at him. “Tell me it’s not the call. Please!” Never in my life had I acted like such a child, but never in my life did I need someone to tell me I was wrong as much as I did now. “Julian, please.” I collapsed to my knees, not caring how they stung with the impact. “Make it go away.”
He reached out his hand. “Let me see.”
I dropped my head, giving him permission to touch me. He pushed his hand through my hair until it rested tightly against my head. Despite his ability to know what was in our minds, he preferred to make that kind of contact through touch. He said it helped him see clearer and it didn’t violate our personal thoughts.
I couldn’t hear him as the evil voice screeching in my mind drowned out all other sounds. Sobbing, I begged for it to go away. My whole life I’d been good to others. I took care of myself when forced to be on my own. I took care of Eviana whenever she needed me. I just wanted to be normal.
“Brendan, I’m sorry.” Julian’s voice sliced a hole through my heart.
“No!” I looked up at him. “Isn’t there something I can do? Some way to make it go away?”
“Yes.”
Hope filled my body and I jumped up to my feet. “There is? Please, tell me!”
Julian shook his head. “Brendan, there’s only one way to deal with the call. You must succumb. Only then will you be able to choose again.”
I swallowed the dread kicking around my throat. “But she’ll never take me back after that.” Julian remained silent. “I can’t go have a child with someone else and expect Eviana to forgive me!” Why didn’t he understand?
“I agree.”
“So what am I supposed to do?”
“You need to leave.”
Like the knife that had been stabbed through my gut a few weeks ago, the pain of leaving Eviana paralyzed me. “But I love her,” I whispered.
Julian stepped forward and put both hands on my shoulders. “I know, Brendan. This is never easy.”
His voice quivered with his own emotion and I suddenly understood. “It happened to you?” He didn’t answer. “You loved a mermaid once, didn’t you?”
“I did. And I’m sorry to see you and Eviana going through this. I warned her-“
“You what?” I interrupted. “You warned her about me? When?” I pulled away from our selkie leader and my friend.
“I needed to. I wanted to save you both a lot of heartbreak.” He reached out for me again, but I took another step back. “You don’t have a choice, Brendan.”
“But what did you do? How did you deal with the call?”
“It wasn’t quite the same.” He sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. “I didn’t feel the same type of call.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I couldn’t be with her anymore because I needed to lead the selkies.”
“You’ve never felt this call before?” Suddenly I felt betrayed by Julian. Irrational, I know. But rational thoughts couldn’t form in my brain right now.
“Not like you are. It’s strong, Brendan. How long have you been fighting this?”
“You didn’t answer my question,” I snapped. “How can you give advice when you don’t even know what I’m feeling?”
Julian sighed and rolled his head. Several vertebrae popped in the silence. “I’ve seen hundreds of you go through this. You don’t have a choice. Now act like a selkie and accept your fate.”
Surprised by his tone, I softened my own. “I’m sorry. I…I just can’t imagine my life without her in it.”
He stepped forward again, leaving his hands by his sides. “You have to accept it now. I suggest you leave before she knows you’re gone.”
“What? No. I can’t do that.”
“It’s for the best.”
“For who? I don’t even get to say goodbye.” The words rushed from my mouth in front of the bile rising behind them.
“It’s better for both of you.”
Stunned into silence, I contemplated his justification. I couldn’t face her. I couldn’t see the look on her face when I told her I was leaving. Again. Breaking her heart once had been enough for me. I didn’t want that to be the last thing I remembered.
“Okay,” I whispered.
“Okay?” Julian asked.
“I’ll leave. But I want you to give her something for me.”
“Brendan…”
“Please. I can’t just leave without saying anything.” I pushed past him and opened the door. “Give me ten minutes.”
I didn’t wait for his answer.
Running up the stairs, I pushed through the pain in my heart and the fire in my head. I wanted to tell the voice that he’d won. Congratulations on ruining my life and destroying the only good thing in it. But then I had a thought. Even if Julian told me to leave, that didn’t mean I had to succumb to the call.
I still had some choice in the matter.
After throwing my meager belongings in my bag, I found a piece of paper and sat on the bed. A note. I was going to leave Eviana a note after spending most of our lives together. She deserved better. I knew that. But I had to let her know that I would never forget.
Evs-
I will probably never be able to convince you of how much I wanted this to be enough. I missed you with every fiber of my being and I will always cherish our time together. My father warned me, as did Julian. I refused to accept my fate.
I wish I could tell you what I’m feeling, but it’s so overwhelming that I can’t find the words. Please know that I have not succumbed completely to the call, but it also won’t allow me to love you the way you deserve to be loved.
You are special. You are sexy. And you are a leader. I am so proud of you and what you’ve become. It saddens me that we won’t be able to share our lives together, but know I’ll always have a place for you in my heart.
I am sorry-
Brendan
She would hate me forever, and I couldn’t blame her for that. I folded the note several times, contemplating what would happen next. Tossing the paper from hand to hand, I sat on the bed and stared at the door. Emptiness pushed against the destructive voice in my head, as I felt my heart break. The sad thing was it didn’t break over the loss of Eviana. It hurt because my instincts were satisfied and that made me sick.
Without wasting another moment for the selkie in me to bask in its success, I grabbed my bag and marched outside. Julian turned and held out his hand. Knowing what I’d just done, I passed the note to him.
“Please give it to her,” I said.
“I will.”
I looked at him, wondering if he just said that to appease me.
He sighed. “I’ll do it. I promise you.”
“I need you to do one more thing for me.”
He looked perplexed. For once, I’d hidden my thoughts from him. Bending over, I pulled my seal skin from the bag. “If I have to do this, then I’m going to stay a seal as long as I can.”
“I don’t understand,” Julian said.
“The less time I spend as human, the less chance there will be for me to succumb.” My voice trembled. “I can’t do that to her.”
“Brendan, you have to stop thinking about her.”
I glared at Julian, daring him to say another word. I knew it was disrespectful of his authority, but I didn’t care. I would try to leave this place with some dignity.
After a tense moment, Julian finally shook his head. “Fine.”
I walked off the porch and made my way to the water. Julian’s footsteps followed behind, but we didn’t speak and I didn’t look back.
“Where will you go?” he asked when we reached the water’s edge.
“I don’t know,” I said then I shoved my clothes into the bag and rolled down the waterproof top.
“You should leave California.”
I ignored his comment. “Once I change, please strap this to me.”
“Brendan-“
“Just strap it on me, please,” I interrupted.
Julian looked at me like I was a lost puppy. The sympathy in his eyes angered me and I couldn’t even justify the reason why.
“You know how to find me,” I said, not sure why I felt the need to say it.
He nodded and I took that as my cue to leave.
Slipping the seal skin over my back like a cloak, my pelt shuddered with the magic unique to selkies. With all the pain and emotional turmoil going on inside my head, the shift to my other form brought a great sense of calm. The fur tingled as it became a part of me, and the fall to the ground didn’t hurt at all. My muscles and bones morphed effortlessly into another shape, and for the first time, I was thankful for the chance to be away from my human form.
The voice retreated to a manageable background hum, and instead I heard the call of the ocean. Smells, sights, sounds…all of them beckoning me forward. I intended to immerse myself in those and stay as my seal as long as I could.
Julian knelt down beside me and secured the bag to my back. “I’ll add some money to your account.”
I barked at him and flashed my teeth.
“I know you don’t want my help, but it’s my job. That’s why I had to leave her.”
Looking into Julian’s eyes, I saw a pain hidden deep within. I guessed all selkies suffered this fate in one way or another.
In the distance, the hazy outline of Eviana’s house lingered on the horizon like a phantom. I hated that I didn’t feel worse about my decision, and that would haunt me forever.
“Go. I’ll give her the note.” Julian stood and backed away from me.
Knowing I couldn’t stall any longer, I jerked my head at him in acknowledgment, then turned and slid into the surf. As the last wave crashed over my body, the muffled sounds of the ocean faded into the background along with the place my heart had always belonged.
Continue reading for a sneak peek at WATERFALL, the first book in Amber’s mature YA dystopian series The Water Crisis Chronicles.
Waterfall (Book One of The Water Crisis Chronicles)
The water is gone. The wars have begun.
Clean water is a luxury most can no longer afford. Climate change, industrial sabotage, and greed have turned country against country as each one tries to provide for its citizens. Terrorist groups target desalinization plants and frustrated governments hunt those who work against them. Rationing, sequestering, and patrolling have become routine at a time when there are too many people and not enough resources.
While the world around them disintegrates into chaos, Zach and Vivienne hope that their life in a government-run complex will retain some semblance of normalcy. But when attacks on their water supplies bring war to their sheltered community, they must accept their new fate. Stay and fight or flee and endure—it’s a difficult decision with lasting consequences.
Will they choose what’s safe? Or will they choose to survive?
