In the chilled section of a convenience shop, Felix was browsing a selection of ready meals with a slightly unfocused look on his face. It was three o’clock in the afternoon on a Thursday and white light fixtures hummed overhead. The doors at the front of the shop parted but he didn’t turn around. He replaced a ready meal on a shelf and took out his phone. There were no new notifications. Inexpressively he put the device back in his pocket, lifted a plastic box off the shelf as if at random, walked over to the till, and paid. On his way out of the shop, in front of the fresh fruit display, he paused. Alice was standing there looking at apples, lifting the apples one after another and examining them for defects. Recognising her, he began to stand a little differently, straighter. It was not clear at first whether he would greet her or just exit without saying hello – he himself didn’t seem to know. Holding the ready meal in one hand, he tapped it on the side of his leg absent-mindedly. At that, maybe hearing him or just becoming aware of his presence in her peripheral vision, she did turn, and noticed him, and immediately tucked her hair behind her ears.
Hello there, she said.
Hey. How are you getting on?
Make any friends yet? he asked.
Absolutely not.
He smiled, tapped the ready meal on his leg again, and looked around at the exit. Ah here, he said. What are we going to do with you? You’ll go mad up there on your own.
Oh, I already am, she said. But then maybe I already was before I arrived.
Mad, were you? You seemed pretty normal to me.
Not a word I often hear in connection with myself, but thank you.
They stood there looking at one another until she lowered her eyes and touched her hair again. He glanced over his shoulder once more at the exit, and then back at her. It was difficult to tell if he was enjoying her discomfort or simply taking pity on her. For her part, she seemed to feel obliged to continue standing there as long as he wanted to talk.
Have you given up on the old dating app, then? he said.
With a smile, looking directly at him, she replied: Yes, the last attempt didn’t exactly inspire confidence, if you don’t mind my saying so.
Did I put you off men entirely?
Oh, not just men. People of all genders.
He laughed and said: I didn’t think I was that bad.
No, you weren’t. But I was.
Ah, you were alright.
He frowned in the direction of the fresh vegetables before speaking again. She looked more relaxed now and watched him neutrally.
You could come around the house tonight if you want to meet people, he said. Some of the gang from work will be there.
Are you having a party?
He made a face. I don’t know, he said. I mean, there will be people there, so. A party or whatever you would call it, yeah. Nothing big, though.
She nodded, moving her mouth around without showing her teeth. That sounds nice, she said. You’ll have to remind me where you live.
I’ll throw it into Google Maps for you if you have it, he said.
She took her phone from her pocket and opened the app. Handing him the device, she said: Are you off work today?
He typed his address into the search bar without looking up. Yeah, he said. They have me on really random shifts this week. He handed her back the phone to show her the address: 16 Ocean Rise. The screen displayed a network of white streets on a background of grey, beside a blue area representing the sea. Sometimes they hardly need you in there at all, he added. And then some weeks you’re in every day. Drives me mad. He looked around again at the till, seemingly in a different mood now. I’ll see you this evening, will I? he said.
If you’re sure you’d like me to come, she answered.
Up to yourself. I would go off my bean if I was out there on my own all day. But maybe you like it.
No, I don’t really. I’d like to come, thank you for asking me.
Yeah, well, no big deal, he said. There’ll be a fair few people there anyway. See you later, then, mind yourself.
Without making eye contact with her again, he turned around and left the shop. She looked back at the box of fresh apples, and, as if now feeling it would be inappropriate to continue examining them in any detail, as if the whole process of searching for bruises on the exterior surface of fruit had been rendered ridiculous and even shameful, she picked one up and proceeded to the refrigerator aisle.
/
16 Ocean Rise was a semi-detached house, with the projecting left half of the facade in red brick and the right half painted white. A low wall separated its concrete front yard from that of its neighbour. The curtains were drawn on the window facing the street, but the lights were on inside. Alice stood at the door wearing the same clothes she had been wearing earlier. She had put powder on her face, which made her skin look dry, and she was carrying a bottle of red wine in her left hand. She rang the bell and waited. After a few seconds, a woman about her own age opened the door. Behind her the hallway was bright and noisy.
Hi, said Alice. Does Felix live here?
Yeah, yeah. Come on in.
The woman let her inside and closed the door. In her hand she was holding a chipped mug that seemed to contain some kind of cola. I’m Danielle, she said. The lads are just down here. In the kitchen at the end of the hall, six men and two women were seated in various positions around the table. Felix was sitting on the counter by the toaster, drinking directly from a can. He didn’t get up when he saw Alice enter, he just nodded his head at her. She followed Danielle into the room, toward the fridge, near where he was sitting.
Hey, he said.
Hi, said Alice.
Two of the people in the room had turned to look at her, while the others continued the conversation they had been having before. Danielle asked Alice if she wanted a glass for her wine and Alice said sure. While she was rooting in the cupboard, Danielle said: So how do you know each other?
We met on Tinder, said Felix.
Danielle stood up, holding a clean wine glass. And this is your idea of a date? she said. How romantic.
We already tried going on a date, he said. She said it turned her off men for life.
Alice tried to catch Felix’s eye, perhaps to smile at him, to show that she found this remark amusing, but he wasn’t looking at her.
I wouldn’t blame her, said Danielle.
Putting her bottle down on the counter, Alice looked at the CD library stored along the kitchen wall. Lots of albums, she said.
Yeah, they’re mine, Felix replied.
She ran her finger along the spines of the plastic jewel cases, withdrawing one slightly from its slot so it hung out like a tongue. Danielle had by then started speaking to a woman who was sitting on the kitchen table, and another man had come over to open the fridge. Gesturing in her direction, he said to Felix: Who’s this?
This is Alice, said Felix. She’s a novelist.
Who’s a novelist? Danielle asked.
This lady here, said Felix. She writes books for a living. Or so she claims.
What’s your name? the man asked. I’ll put it into Google.
Alice watched this all unfold with a look of forced indifference. Alice Kelleher, she said.
Felix watched her. The man sat down on an empty chair and started typing into his phone. Alice was drinking her wine and gazing off around the room, as if uninterested. Hunched over his phone now, the man said: Here, she’s famous. Alice did not respond, did not return Felix’s gaze. Danielle bent down over the screen to see. Look at that, she said. She’s got a Wikipedia page and everything. Felix slid off the countertop and took the phone out of his friend’s hand. He laughed, but his amusement did not seem completely sincere.
Literary work, he read aloud. Adaptations. Personal life.
That section must be short, said Alice.
Why didn’t you tell me you were famous? he said.
In a bored, almost contemptuous tone of voice she answered: I told you I was a writer.
He grinned at her. I’ll give you a tip for next time you go on a date, he said. Mention in the conversation that you’re a celebrity.
Thank you for the unsolicited dating advice. I’ll be sure to disregard it.
What, are you annoyed now because we found you on the internet?
Of course not, she said, I told you my name. I didn’t have to.
For a few seconds he continued looking at her and then he shook his head and said: You’re weird.
She laughed and said: How insightful. Why don’t you put that on my Wikipedia page?
Danielle laughed then too. A little colour had come into Felix’s face. He turned away from Alice and said: Anyone can have one of those. You probably wrote it yourself.
As if she were beginning to enjoy herself, Alice responded: No, just the books.
You must think you’re very special, he said.
What are you being so touchy about? said Danielle.
I’m not, Felix replied. He handed the phone back to his friend and then stood leaning against the fridge, arms crossed. Alice was standing at the countertop just near him. Danielle looked at Alice and raised her eyebrows, but then returned to the conversation she had been having before. One of the other women put on some music, and some of the men at the other end of the room started laughing about something. Alice said to Felix: If you’d like me to leave, I’ll go.
Who said I want you to leave? he asked.
A new group of people entered the room and it became noisier. No one specifically came over to speak to either Alice or Felix, and they both stood there next to the fridge in silence. Whether this experience was especially painful for either of them their features did not suggest, but after a few seconds Felix stretched his arms and said: I don’t like smoking inside. Will you come out for one? You can get to meet our dog. Alice nodded, said nothing, and followed him out the patio door into the back garden, carrying her glass of wine.
Felix slid the door shut behind them and wandered down the grass toward a small garden shed with a makeshift tarpaulin roof. A springer spaniel immediately bounded up to meet him from the bottom of the garden, sneezed with excitement, placed its front paws on Felix’s legs and then let out a single yelp. This is Sabrina, he said. She’s not really ours, the last people who lived here just left her behind. I’m mostly the one who feeds her now, so she’s a big fan of mine. Alice said that was evident. We don’t usually keep her outside, he said. Only when we have people around. She’ll be back in tonight when everyone goes home. Alice asked if she slept in his bed and Felix laughed. She tries, he said. But she knows she’s not allowed. He ruffled the dog’s ears and said affectionately: Fool. Turning back to Alice, he added: She’s a complete idiot, by the way. Really stupid. Do you smoke? Alice was shivering and goosebumps were raised on the part of her wrist that extended out from her sleeve, but she accepted a cigarette and stood there smoking while Felix lit one himself. He took a drag, exhaled into the clean night air and looked back up at the house. Inside, it was bright and his friends were talking and gesturing. Around the warm yellow oblong of the patio doors was the darkness of the house, the grass, the clear black void of the sky.
Dani’s a nice girl, he said.
Yes, said Alice. She seems that way.
Yeah. We used to go out together.
Oh? For a long time, or?
He shrugged and said: About a year. I don’t know – more than a year, actually. Anyway, it was ages ago, we’re good friends now.
Do you still like her?
He gazed back into the house as if catching a glimpse of Danielle might help him to resolve this question in his own mind. She’s with someone else anyway, he said.
A friend of yours?
I know him, yeah. He’s not here tonight, you might meet him again.
He turned away from the house and flicked some ash off his cigarette, causing a few lit sparks to descend slowly through the dark air. The dog bounded away past the shed, then ran around in a circle several times.
In fairness, if she could hear me, she’d be telling you I was the one who fucked it up, Felix added.
What did you do?
Ah, I was cold with her, supposedly. According to herself, anyway. You can ask her if you want.
Alice smiled and said: Would you like me to ask her?
Jesus no, not for me. I already heard enough of it at the time. I’m not still crying over it, don’t worry.
Did you cry over it then?
Well, not literally, he said. Is that what you mean? I didn’t actually cry, but like, I was pissed off, yeah.
Do you ever actually cry?
He gave a short laugh and said: No. Do you?
Oh, constantly.
Yeah? he said. What do you be crying about?
Anything, really. I suppose I’m very unhappy.
He looked at her. Seriously? he said. Why?
Nothing specific. It’s just how I feel. I find my life difficult.
After a pause he looked back at his cigarette and said: I don’t think I have the whole story on why you moved here.
It’s not a very good story, she said. I had a nervous breakdown. I was in hospital for a few weeks, and then I moved here when I got out. But it’s not mysterious – I mean, there was no reason I had a breakdown, I just did. And it’s not a secret, everyone knows.
Felix appeared to mull over this new information. Is it on your Wikipedia page? he asked.
No, I mean everyone in my life knows. Not everyone in the world.
And what did you have a breakdown about?
Nothing.
Okay, but what do you mean you had a breakdown? Like, what happened?
She exhaled a stream of smoke through the side of her mouth. I felt very out of control, she said. I was just extremely angry and upset all the time. I wasn’t in control of myself, I couldn’t live normally. I can’t explain it any more than that.
Fair enough.
They lapsed into silence. Alice drained the last of her wine from the glass, crushed her cigarette underfoot and folded her arms against her chest. Felix looked distracted and continued smoking slowly, as if he had forgotten she was there. He cleared his throat then and said: I felt a bit like that after my mam died. Last year. I just started thinking, what’s the fucking point of life, you know? It’s not like there’s anything at the end of it. Not that I really wanted to be dead or anything, but I couldn’t be fucked being alive most the time either. I don’t know if you would call it a breakdown. I just had a few months where I was seriously not bothered about it – getting up and going to work and all that. I actually lost the job I had at the time, that’s why I’m at the warehouse now. Yeah. So I kind of get what you’re saying about the breakdown. Obviously the experiences would be different in my case, but I see where you’re coming from, yeah.
Alice said again that she was sorry for his loss and he accepted her condolences.
I’m going to Rome next week, she said. Because the Italian translation of my book is coming out. I wonder if you’d like to come with me.
He showed no surprise at the invitation. He put out his cigarette by rubbing the lit end on the wall of the shed in several repeated strokes. The dog let out one more yelp, down at the end of the garden.
I don’t have any money, Felix said.
Well, I can pay for everything. I’m rich and famous, remember?
This drew a little smile. You are weird, he said. I don’t take that back. How long are you going for?
I’m getting there on Wednesday and then coming home again Monday morning. But we can stay longer if you prefer.
Now he laughed. Fucking hell, he said.
Have you ever been to Rome?
No.
Then I think you should come, she said. I think you’d like it.
How do you know what I would like?
They looked at one another. It was too dark for either of them to glean much information from the other’s face, and yet they kept looking, and did not break off, as if the act of looking was more important than what they could see.
I don’t, she said. I just think so.
Finally he turned away from her. Alright, he said. I’ll come.
